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As part of their continuing efforts to make Britain a fairer place, labour have announced that the football team Manchester United is to be fully nationalised. The club is to be used as a flagship for labour’s equality and diversity agenda and will be streamlined accordingly.

Sports Secretary Ben Bradshaw will be responsible for picking the teams for each game, which are expected to be racially diverse and will include at least one lesbian, as well as a handicapped player. It is unclear if existing players will be able to take on the handicapped role if injured.

Expensive ’star’ players such as Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen will be ditched in favour of a more diverse line up expected to include ordinary people (who vote labour), labour councillors and MP’s children. Players will be paid a fixed annual salary of £25,000, but given 280 days holiday a year as well as a generous pension when their soccer careers end at the ripe old age of fifty. Flair and talent will be punished severely under the new regime with fines for scoring more than team mates, and suspensions for tricks, particularly step-overs. The new rules mean the entire existing team are expected to be sacked within days, with the possible exception of Gary Neville.

The traditional 4-4-2 line up will be a thing of the past for Mr. Bradshaw’s new team. A 3-3-3 formation will be used at all times along with a goalkeeper who will swap positions with the other players at regular intervals. The eleventh member of the team will be a local administrator responsible for making sure players  fill in the necessary forms as the game progresses. Players will be required to submit forms at the beginning and end of the game, when scoring a goal, when taking a throw in or free kick or when needing to leave the pitch for treatment (which will be carried out by the NHS, not some overpaid physiotherapist).

The new United will target a mid-table finish. If they don’t achieve this, it may be time to nationalise the referees.

New army recruits have been shocked to find themselves involved in scuffles and petty violence. Punches were thrown, and one soldier was pushed in the back according to a BBC undercover reporter.

Thank your lucky stars the BBC is there to protect our soldiers from this kind of thing. The last thing we’d want our soldiers to do is experience minor violence in a controlled environment to give them some semblance of preparation for the horrors of war.

Our military is currently one of the finest in the world, enjoying top notch support and never hurting anybody’s feelings.

Bungling Australian bureaucrats have produced a comprehensive list of questionable adult material on the Internet. The Australian government scheme to block specific websites has drawn heavy criticism from civil rights groups because a large number of legitimate sites have also been blocked. The list of sites has been leaked and is now available to hairy palmed people throughout the world. The country that punches above its weight can proudly boast that perverts the world over now have access to the huge list of adult material. At least it will keep them indoors. Thank you Australia.

Sitting playing video games will almost certainly lead to a painful and gruesome death according to a new government advertisement. Before the invention of videogames people would spend their time climbing trees and fighting dinosaurs. With the invention of the house things changed. Suddenly children would spend some of their time sitting down - causing their body to be quickly filled with deadly plasticine.

The government is keen to stress that television, which the average Briton watches for 28 hours a week, is a perfectly acceptable way to spend your spare time.

The British videogame industry is expected to fall from third to fifth in the world this year as developers leave the UK for right wing extremist nations like Canada and South Korea.

Scientists at the Springdale institute of cybernetics unveiled the latest weapon in the fight against cyberspam - the hypercaptcha 67000. Using custom designed multi-core processors to apply dozens of custom distortions, the system ensures that any text can be made completely unreadable in milliseconds.

Tests show that websites employing the new captcha reduce their spam, customers and sales by a guaranteed 100%. Excited webmasters are falling over themselves to install the new system and customer service departments are scheduling extra holidays in anticipation of the time they will save.

People in the remote English county of Somerset were celebrating last night after one of their number managed to set up and use a camcorder. The technology has long baffled locals, who prefer to record events through rhythmic chanting and tapestry.

Confusion arose, however, when a small, but obvious, lensing artifact was mistaken for an alien spacecraft -causing widespread panic. The video below is consistent with other UFO sightings as it is small, indistinct and obviously not an alien spacecraft.

The British government will launch a new database project today, aimed at tracking the ever growing number of failed government database projects. Inability to track these projects costs the country almost as much as is spent setting them up in the first place.

At a cost of 300 million pounds, the new database is sure to be a great success, and will definitely not run over budget like previous government database projects. Civil servants at the department of Public Works promised to ensure a swift and efficient deployment of the new system. Staff are enthusiastic about the project, which could double the efficiency of the civil service and lead to 20% of them being made redundant.

Earlier projects have failed due to a range of technical faults such as coffee soaked hard drives, presence of foreigners and inadvertant use of the delete key followed by inadvertant clicking of the box saying “yes, I want to delete the whole thing”.

Image courtesy of Glutnix - used under the creative commons license.

Rotherham county council sent four of it’s councillors on an all expenses paid fact-finding mission to Disneyland last month. The trip, which cost a mere £72,000 will bring huge benefits to local people as the councillors learnt all about giant fluffy animals and having fun on roller coasters.

During the trip, councillors were able to forge ties with local business leaders, as well as have their picture taken with Mickey Mouse, and other much-loved Disney favourites.

Labour leader Dirk Pimtoon explained the benefits of the mission:

“In these days of credit crunch belt tightening it’s more important than ever that our local community builds ties with our friends around the world. Thanks to our ceaseless efforts we can now add the inhabitants of the magic kingdom to a long list of friends which includes people in Australia, Hong Kong, Barbados and Wiltshire Center Parcs.”

The trip comes just three weeks before the regional elections, which an important analyst said was likely to result in the ruling Labour party losing it’s majority to the opposition by a landslide. However labour councillors are keen to ensure the regional economy is left in good shape for their successors, and are doing all they can to ensure things are ship-shape over the remaining weeks.

One of the most important goals of the trip was to find a colour blind table tennis partner for local boy Eversham Stroud, 31, who has yet to find a partner to join him at the council’s £12 million table tennis center for the colour blind. Mr Stroud has been forced to play table tennis at Rotherham leisure center instead. Though he enjoys playing there he has some difficulty telling the red and green sides of the bat apart. All bats at the specialist center have black and red sides to ensure clarity.

Unfortunately the search proved fruitless on this occasion, however the council is not beaten yet. Further  trips are planned to Switzerland and the South of France over the next few weeks. Let’s hope they get lucky - for all our sakes!