chimptron.com

As part of their continuing efforts to make Britain a fairer place, labour have announced that the football team Manchester United is to be fully nationalised. The club is to be used as a flagship for labour’s equality and diversity agenda and will be streamlined accordingly.

Sports Secretary Ben Bradshaw will be responsible for picking the teams for each game, which are expected to be racially diverse and will include at least one lesbian, as well as a handicapped player. It is unclear if existing players will be able to take on the handicapped role if injured.

Expensive ’star’ players such as Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen will be ditched in favour of a more diverse line up expected to include ordinary people (who vote labour), labour councillors and MP’s children. Players will be paid a fixed annual salary of £25,000, but given 280 days holiday a year as well as a generous pension when their soccer careers end at the ripe old age of fifty. Flair and talent will be punished severely under the new regime with fines for scoring more than team mates, and suspensions for tricks, particularly step-overs. The new rules mean the entire existing team are expected to be sacked within days, with the possible exception of Gary Neville.

The traditional 4-4-2 line up will be a thing of the past for Mr. Bradshaw’s new team. A 3-3-3 formation will be used at all times along with a goalkeeper who will swap positions with the other players at regular intervals. The eleventh member of the team will be a local administrator responsible for making sure players  fill in the necessary forms as the game progresses. Players will be required to submit forms at the beginning and end of the game, when scoring a goal, when taking a throw in or free kick or when needing to leave the pitch for treatment (which will be carried out by the NHS, not some overpaid physiotherapist).

The new United will target a mid-table finish. If they don’t achieve this, it may be time to nationalise the referees.

Gordon doesn’t need our votes. He’s far too good for that kind of nonsense. Let the world know how great he is with this stylish t-shirt:

Evil Gordon Brown T-Shirt

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Gordon Brown was the man who appointed disgraced speaker Michael Martin and who pulled every political trick in the book to keep him in place. Now, however, he is trying to portray himself as a reformer, someone who understands the angst of the British people and will do everything in his power to support them and their leader, who happens to be him, half-wit prime minister, Gordon Brown.

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In the midst of the economic crisis, what is the government spending your money on:

£30,000 on a cloud viewing project.

£400,000 advertising on Pakistani TV that Britain is Muslim friendly.

More than £100,000 salary for Daniel McBride to invent scandals.

With the global crisis pulling our purse strings tighter every day, the last thing the world can afford is to waste money. That’s why the richest world leaders jetted themselves and their entourages to London for a series of photo opportunities, banquets and celebrity get-togethers. The leaders got to meet Jamie Oliver, JK Rowling and the Queen while discussing serious global issues. Protected by an $8 million security operation, the leaders weren’t troubled by the tens of thousands of ordinary people who made the journey to London to protest the incompetence of their governments.

After hours of heated debate the leaders agreed the global crisis was entirely the fault of wicked bankers and nothing whatsoever to do with them. They added that they were all pretty great and doing wonderful jobs.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown gushed “We’ve achieved so much at this meeting. Look at all those great pictures of me. See how much taller I am than Berlusconi? Look how much Obama likes me.”

US shares rose after the conference with stockbrokers expressing relief that they “didn’t actually do anything”. Let’s hope the next meeting is just as successful.

At long last Gordon Brown has grown the beginnings of a spine and called a snap general election. The Prime Minister stated that given the economic crisis it is vital that the British people have a leader they have chosen, and who can honestly claim to represent them. No matter who wins it I hope it can give the country the boost it sorely needs.  We here at Chimptron applaud this rare outburst of common sense from the PM.

The Prime Minister also apologised for his role in precipitating the economic crisis saying with hindsight he should have done things differently, and promising to make the difficult cuts in public spending that the economy desperately needs.

Jacqui Smith also announced her resignation, claiming it was the only honourable thing to do given the circumstances (her stealing a ton of money from the taxpayer to pay for, amongst other things, her husband shivering the instrument).

MPs are doing their bit to get the UK through the credit crunch by awarding themselves a pay rise. With most people facing pay freezes or cuts, and many losing their jobs it is vital that MPs have a bit of extra money to help stimulate the economy.

Jacqui Smith as ever is going that bit further by getting her husband to watch porn films at the taxpayers expense. Every little bit helps.

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New army recruits have been shocked to find themselves involved in scuffles and petty violence. Punches were thrown, and one soldier was pushed in the back according to a BBC undercover reporter.

Thank your lucky stars the BBC is there to protect our soldiers from this kind of thing. The last thing we’d want our soldiers to do is experience minor violence in a controlled environment to give them some semblance of preparation for the horrors of war.

Our military is currently one of the finest in the world, enjoying top notch support and never hurting anybody’s feelings.

A Dungeons and Dragons style game will be introduced to replace the UK’s failing social security system.

New claimants will receive a character sheet which they will have to fill in with their social security advisor or ‘dungeon master’ as they will now be known. Starting attributes such as strength and intelligence will be determined by aptitude checks and medical records, while qualifications will be treated as ‘magic spells’.

National Insurance contributions will be used as ‘experience points’ so that claimants can ‘level up’ and receive perks, such as magical items and gold pieces. Quests will be assigned, such as going to the job center each week and filling in forms.

Each week claimants will have to pass a D20 charisma test to receive benefits, with a -1 modifier for every job they have applied for. Benefits will then be paid out at a rate of 6d6 + 50 pounds, with an additional d100 incapacity benefit if the claimant’s hit points fall below 5. Those that fail the test will be given a bag of potatoes and told to come back the following week.

The new system is expected to save the country billions as well as keeping the long term unemployed entertained.

Britain will take the lead in nuclear disarmament according to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. By an amazing co-incidence Britain’s aging nuclear arsenal is due for replacement over the next decade; something the country can barely afford. The changes are entirely the result of Brown’s desire for a peaceful world, and nothing at all to do with not even being able to afford proper guns.

Brown is re-branding the downgrading of Britain’s international status as a daring step on the path to peace. Perhaps other bankrupt countries will be following in his footsteps.