chimptron.com

Seriously, everyone living in Britain should read this.

Scientists at the Springdale institute of cybernetics unveiled the latest weapon in the fight against cyberspam - the hypercaptcha 67000. Using custom designed multi-core processors to apply dozens of custom distortions, the system ensures that any text can be made completely unreadable in milliseconds.

Tests show that websites employing the new captcha reduce their spam, customers and sales by a guaranteed 100%. Excited webmasters are falling over themselves to install the new system and customer service departments are scheduling extra holidays in anticipation of the time they will save.

Many people are responsible for the range of crises facing Britain today. Absolutely none of them are in any way the fault of Gordon Brown or new labour. Here is a handy guide to who the government blames for Britain’s problems:

People in the remote English county of Somerset were celebrating last night after one of their number managed to set up and use a camcorder. The technology has long baffled locals, who prefer to record events through rhythmic chanting and tapestry.

Confusion arose, however, when a small, but obvious, lensing artifact was mistaken for an alien spacecraft -causing widespread panic. The video below is consistent with other UFO sightings as it is small, indistinct and obviously not an alien spacecraft.

The British government will launch a new database project today, aimed at tracking the ever growing number of failed government database projects. Inability to track these projects costs the country almost as much as is spent setting them up in the first place.

At a cost of 300 million pounds, the new database is sure to be a great success, and will definitely not run over budget like previous government database projects. Civil servants at the department of Public Works promised to ensure a swift and efficient deployment of the new system. Staff are enthusiastic about the project, which could double the efficiency of the civil service and lead to 20% of them being made redundant.

Earlier projects have failed due to a range of technical faults such as coffee soaked hard drives, presence of foreigners and inadvertant use of the delete key followed by inadvertant clicking of the box saying “yes, I want to delete the whole thing”.

Image courtesy of Glutnix - used under the creative commons license.