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MPs are doing their bit to get the UK through the credit crunch by awarding themselves a pay rise. With most people facing pay freezes or cuts, and many losing their jobs it is vital that MPs have a bit of extra money to help stimulate the economy.

Jacqui Smith as ever is going that bit further by getting her husband to watch porn films at the taxpayers expense. Every little bit helps.

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New army recruits have been shocked to find themselves involved in scuffles and petty violence. Punches were thrown, and one soldier was pushed in the back according to a BBC undercover reporter.

Thank your lucky stars the BBC is there to protect our soldiers from this kind of thing. The last thing we’d want our soldiers to do is experience minor violence in a controlled environment to give them some semblance of preparation for the horrors of war.

Our military is currently one of the finest in the world, enjoying top notch support and never hurting anybody’s feelings.

Politics really isn’t complicated. If you can filter out all the BS that comes out of most politicians then the reality of our situation is pretty easy to grasp. Occasionally, somebody tells it like it is:

This is Daniel Hannan, British Euro MP, speaking to the thieves lovely folk at the EU.

Here he is again addressing our half-wit prime-minister:

A Dungeons and Dragons style game will be introduced to replace the UK’s failing social security system.

New claimants will receive a character sheet which they will have to fill in with their social security advisor or ‘dungeon master’ as they will now be known. Starting attributes such as strength and intelligence will be determined by aptitude checks and medical records, while qualifications will be treated as ‘magic spells’.

National Insurance contributions will be used as ‘experience points’ so that claimants can ‘level up’ and receive perks, such as magical items and gold pieces. Quests will be assigned, such as going to the job center each week and filling in forms.

Each week claimants will have to pass a D20 charisma test to receive benefits, with a -1 modifier for every job they have applied for. Benefits will then be paid out at a rate of 6d6 + 50 pounds, with an additional d100 incapacity benefit if the claimant’s hit points fall below 5. Those that fail the test will be given a bag of potatoes and told to come back the following week.

The new system is expected to save the country billions as well as keeping the long term unemployed entertained.

Bungling Australian bureaucrats have produced a comprehensive list of questionable adult material on the Internet. The Australian government scheme to block specific websites has drawn heavy criticism from civil rights groups because a large number of legitimate sites have also been blocked. The list of sites has been leaked and is now available to hairy palmed people throughout the world. The country that punches above its weight can proudly boast that perverts the world over now have access to the huge list of adult material. At least it will keep them indoors. Thank you Australia.

Britain will take the lead in nuclear disarmament according to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. By an amazing co-incidence Britain’s aging nuclear arsenal is due for replacement over the next decade; something the country can barely afford. The changes are entirely the result of Brown’s desire for a peaceful world, and nothing at all to do with not even being able to afford proper guns.

Brown is re-branding the downgrading of Britain’s international status as a daring step on the path to peace. Perhaps other bankrupt countries will be following in his footsteps.

Sitting playing video games will almost certainly lead to a painful and gruesome death according to a new government advertisement. Before the invention of videogames people would spend their time climbing trees and fighting dinosaurs. With the invention of the house things changed. Suddenly children would spend some of their time sitting down - causing their body to be quickly filled with deadly plasticine.

The government is keen to stress that television, which the average Briton watches for 28 hours a week, is a perfectly acceptable way to spend your spare time.

The British videogame industry is expected to fall from third to fifth in the world this year as developers leave the UK for right wing extremist nations like Canada and South Korea.