chimptron.com

As part of their continuing efforts to make Britain a fairer place, labour have announced that the football team Manchester United is to be fully nationalised. The club is to be used as a flagship for labour’s equality and diversity agenda and will be streamlined accordingly.

Sports Secretary Ben Bradshaw will be responsible for picking the teams for each game, which are expected to be racially diverse and will include at least one lesbian, as well as a handicapped player. It is unclear if existing players will be able to take on the handicapped role if injured.

Expensive ’star’ players such as Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen will be ditched in favour of a more diverse line up expected to include ordinary people (who vote labour), labour councillors and MP’s children. Players will be paid a fixed annual salary of £25,000, but given 280 days holiday a year as well as a generous pension when their soccer careers end at the ripe old age of fifty. Flair and talent will be punished severely under the new regime with fines for scoring more than team mates, and suspensions for tricks, particularly step-overs. The new rules mean the entire existing team are expected to be sacked within days, with the possible exception of Gary Neville.

The traditional 4-4-2 line up will be a thing of the past for Mr. Bradshaw’s new team. A 3-3-3 formation will be used at all times along with a goalkeeper who will swap positions with the other players at regular intervals. The eleventh member of the team will be a local administrator responsible for making sure players  fill in the necessary forms as the game progresses. Players will be required to submit forms at the beginning and end of the game, when scoring a goal, when taking a throw in or free kick or when needing to leave the pitch for treatment (which will be carried out by the NHS, not some overpaid physiotherapist).

The new United will target a mid-table finish. If they don’t achieve this, it may be time to nationalise the referees.

Gordon doesn’t need our votes. He’s far too good for that kind of nonsense. Let the world know how great he is with this stylish t-shirt:

Evil Gordon Brown T-Shirt

SHAMELESSY BLATANT PRODUCT PLACEMENT DISCLAIMER - “Hey, we need to buy bananas somehow. Please support Chimptron by purchasing this lovely shirt.”

Gordon Brown was the man who appointed disgraced speaker Michael Martin and who pulled every political trick in the book to keep him in place. Now, however, he is trying to portray himself as a reformer, someone who understands the angst of the British people and will do everything in his power to support them and their leader, who happens to be him, half-wit prime minister, Gordon Brown.

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If anyone can look back and say they had a great year, it’s surely Gordon Brown. The British premier has single handed transformed Britain from a financial and cultural world leader into the kind of country socialists can be proud to live in. No longer need working class murderers fear the long arm of the law. No longer can hard working people flaunt their wealth in the face of those excluded from the workforce. No longer can the bourgeois go on foreign holidays and expect their pound filled wallets to meet with anything but laughter.

All we can say is “Thank you, Gordon!”

Last year Gordon teased us with the election that never was. This year he showed us why a man with his leadership skills doesn’t need the formality of a democratic mandate to weave his magic. Why send the people out in the rain to vote for you when they so clearly love you?

Ever the financial mastermind, Brown’s masterstroke has been to borrow during the most debt ridden period in the nation’s history. An injection of cash will hopefully keep the economy superficially functional - at least until next year’s election. By the time Britian’s economy shrinks to the size of a third world country, Gordon will have been elected for another four years. With this man at the helm we are surely in safe hands.

To celebrate Gordon’s achievements, we have composed a song that all his many supporters can sing:

Thank the world for Gordon Brown,
Though the pound is going down,
He’ll make jobs all over town,
Thank you Gordon!

What a leader we have picked,
Things are great if you get nicked,
Hardly any charges stick,
Well done Gordon!

Though we’d love the chance to vote,
He knows all the things we don’t,
Us mere mortals can but gloat,
We’ve got Gordon!